just drifiting

I am overwhelmed by life.  I don't mean work, deadlines, surgeries, health insurance, the future--sure, I worry about those things, but they don't overwhelm me (except at 3 a.m. when I can't sleep).  But the idea that overwhelms me is the fact that we exist, that the earth exists, that the universe exists. 

We know we live on a rock in space.  We have seen the pictures--that gorgeous blue planet turning slowly on nothing, that gorgeous blue planet that is so different from every other rock in its solar system, or even the whole universe, so far as we've seen (which isn't very far, granted), that rock in space that is filled with water that doesn't slosh out into space, that rock in space that has a right-side- up and an upside-down. 

I mean, think about it--a huge rock with these huge gashes in it that are filled with water--water!  And the water stays put within very strict limits, even when there are huge tsunamis or hurricanes.  Okay, so gravity holds it all in place.  Yes, I know there is gravity.  It's keeping me in my chair right now.  But if gravity is so great, how come everything in the universe seems to be moving away from the earth (I heard an astrophysicist say that on NPR)?  I mean, really.  How come the earth attracts only the stuff it's supposed to?  Why isn't the whole universe being sucked into earth?  I know physicists can answer that very easily--at least I suppose they can--but it still overwhelms me.  All the forces that are at work on earth--this living rock, as it were--its magmas and oceans and atmospheres--and all of it inhabited by an infinity of creatures that astound the imagination--this whirling living zoo of the universe! It staggers me to think about.

Right now as I sit at this computer, I am on a rock in space, a rock that is turning around and sailing around in the midst of the blackness of what seems infinity. "The silence of these infinite spaces terrifies me"--is that a close approximation of Pascal's line?  I'm not terrified by it all, but I know what Pascal is getting at. 

It's not even the vastness of these infinite spaces that overwhelms me.  It is the idea of existence itself, not just the existence of my individual self, my little bitty soul, but the existence of all of us and of all of the universe.  "What am I that you are mindful of me?"  (And I am also fully aware that my amazement at it all would be greatly lessened if I were among the millions who have to suffer through life rather than getting to enjoy it as I do.  But I am among those who have the wherewithal to stop and look around and ponder it all.  It is absolutely amazing, and it is terrible that many people's lives are made so miserable by others or by circumstances that they don't have opportunity to appreciate this.)

I'm not terrified by it all because I know that Spaceship Earth does have a Pilot.  We cannot see him, but he has been there forever, and he oversees it all.  He knows where, and how, we are going.  I can enjoy the ride.  I'm still not signing on for a space flight, which is a slightly different matter: I might not be able to trust the maker and/or the pilot and/or myself in that case. But I am not afraid to be sailing through limitless space with absolutely no control over the ship of Earth because I know I can trust the Pilot.